Off topic humor post

[Old Guy]

Heard the same joke with George Bush...

Another Bush and the Queen story:

While visiting England George W. was treated to a ride in the Royal carriage.

Down the main thouroughfare, one horse let go with a particularly loud and smelly one.

Embarrasseed, the wqueen turned to Bush and said: "I'm sorry Mr. President, you must realize some things even a Queen can't control."


Bush replied: 'Think nothing of it , Your Majesty- until you said something, I thought it was the horse."

[bfish]

Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, "I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than I am. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it."
"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"
"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.
"Hmm. Well, where do you catch 'em?"
"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite 'em, shake the **** out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the **** out of a lawyer, there's nothing left but lips and a briefcase..."

[bfish]

Originally posted by Old Guy:
Heard the same joke with George Bush...

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Lemme guess...his reply was "Jeb"...

Fool me once...ahhh...don't get fooled again!

[MERDY]

Blonde's Year in Review.


January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours ... power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.


November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days . instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December - Couldn't call 911 .. "duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again.Angrily, back into the house she went.As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again,marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

?I hope the plane doesn?t travel faster than sound? said the blond to the stewardess. ?Why?? ?Because my friend and I want to talk, that?s why.?

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She thought General Motors was in the army.

She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."

She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

She sent a fax with a stamp on it.

Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

She tripped over a cordless phone.

She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."

She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."

She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She studied for a blood test.

She sold the car for gas money.

When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.

When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.

She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company..

[Old Guy]

I'm working with a group developing a new product for trailer park neighborhoods.

Beef flavored disposable diapers...

After you are done, just feed 'em to the dog.

Big selling point? Makes its own gravy...